Released May 16, 1986
This is my first time seeing Top Gun, because it’s really not a movie that appeals to me in any way. But I had a free IMAX ticket, and I thought it would at least hold some camp value. I can’t imagine how anyone ever took this movie seriously. Judging from the somber older men–tough guys, too–in the audience, people apparently still take it seriously. This is the campiest, gayest movie this side of Showgirls. And it’s unbelievably sweaty. This is the sweatiest goddamn movie I’ve ever seen. Everyone is constantly dripping sweat, just having sweat pumping out of their faces. It’s pretty horrendous. Despite the entire movie not only being incredibly goofy but also increasingly simple, it does have it’s share of genuine pleasures, aside from the campy, unintentional joys. Some of the aerial sequences look great, especially in IMAX, and the 3D seems to fit the movie nicely, though since I’ve never seen it in 2D I can’t say for sure. But that’s pretty much it. The rest of the movie is just absolute insane garbage, but improbably entertaining at times. I couldn’t have cared less about the bullshit hierarchy within the flying academy, but I loved counting how many times “Danger Zone” and “Take My Breath Away” came blaring up in the background. It’s way above a dozen, by the way. For each.
KISS! KISS! KISS!
Tom Cruise, playing a young lesbian named Maverick who wants to be a fighter pilot, is just terrible. He’s all earnest smiles and hoo-rah douchebag energy. He’s a very pretty pretty-boy, which just doesn’t work entirely. Such delicate features! Kelly McGillis, looking much better here than she has lately, plays his love interest, Charlie. Cruise and McGillis conduct one of the most poignant same-sex relationships in the history of the movies, and one of the things that this IMAX conversion really hammers home is the numerous make out scenes where these two smack their lips around and wiggle their tongues together in grand detail. I was left wanting for nothing after the make out scenes finished. Anthony Edwards plays Goose, Maverick’s ill-fated partner. That’s all there really is to say about the character, because Goose is just there to die and has no personality other than “generic sidekick”. Meg Ryan shows up as Goose’s wife, but she’s just there, too. This movie has not aged well at all, and even the supposedly enhanced image looks extremely grainy. Besides that, there’s the outdated “Yeah USA!” vibe of the whole thing, the incredibly retro soundtrack, and all the faded denim. It also features two of the most 80’s songs ever about nine hundred times each.
This doesn’t even feel like a movie. It’s a glorified recruitment video with some people in it who got famous. The entire movie is just aerial fight scenes intercut with boys being incorrigible boys, intercut with a limp dick romantic subplot that defines the movie. This movie is so sentimental and just gay that it truly feels like everyone who made this had to be in on the joke. All these sweating dudes in their tightie whities with their frosted tips. It’s very peculiar. In the end, I’m happy to have seen Top Gun. It’s pretty bad, and I’ll never see it again, but I’m happy that now I’ve seen it so I won’t waste time on it in the future, and also there are some genuinely cool moments if you see it in IMAX. The sound is incredible, it’s as close to being on a runway as you’ll ever hopefully be. There are so many hilariously campy moments that my kitsch quota was filled for the day. But, I’ll never revisit it, and I’m not sure why the public wants to. Is this what most Americans like?
Yikes.
* *
Top Gun.
Directed by Tony Scott.
Written by Jim Cash & Jack Epps Jr.
Cast: Tom Cruise, Kelly McGillis, Anthony Edwards, Val Kilmer, Tom Skerritt, Tim Robbins, Michael Ironside, and Meg Ryan.
Rated PG for action sequences, language, and some sexual content.
110 minutes.
Unsolicited Criticism 